Benefits of New Parent Support Groups

By Janelle Durham, Great Starts Director of Education

I am a True Believer in the power of peer support groups!

I really believe that when we are experiencing a major life transition (like having a baby!), that few things are more helpful for us than being around other people who are facing the same challenges.

Occasionally, a new parent asks me: “Why should I go to a support group? Aren’t they only for people with problems?” I will share with you here my perspective on why all new parents benefit from mutual support.

Benefits:

Research into peer support groups shows that the participants experience these benefits from the group:

• feeling less isolated and alone

• access to relevant information and literature

• opportunities for sharing experiences

• feeling empowered to take an active role in one's own health and wellbeing

• increased self esteem

• increased self confidence

• opportunities to develop new skills

• opportunities to increase social circle

• opportunities to give as well as receive help

• feeling less stressed, anxious or fearful

• mutual support - opportunities to talk to people who have "been there"

• swapping and learning new practical ways of dealing with problems

• feeling more in control

• gaining inspiration and support from others' experiences

Examples of Great Peer Group Moments:

Let’s look at some more specific incidences I have seen in groups I have led, where parents have benefited.

• A dad breathed a sigh, trying to decide if he felt comfortable saying what he was about to say, as he was wondering if he was an awful person for feeling this way. He summoned his courage, then quietly said, “You know, I love this little baby… but I really hate being a parent.” Almost every parent in the room nodded, and said “yes, I feel that way sometimes too.” And you could feel the palpable relief everyone felt at actually being able to voice this shared ambivalence.

• A mother came to a group, sad that she felt she needed to give up breastfeeding. She said she thought her milk supply was low. As group leader, I asked her specific questions about baby’s diaper output, and weight gain, and it sounded like baby was getting plenty of milk! So, I then asked “what makes you think you’re not making enough milk.” And the mom replied “It seems like my baby cries every night from about 6 – 7… I figure he must be hungry.” I turned to everyone else in the room, and asked “how many people have noticed that their babies cry a lot in the evening for no real reason.” Every parent in the room raised their hand. The mom realized that this was just a normal developmental phase for all babies, she gained confidence in her milk supply, and was able to continue nursing.

• A mom came to my group, who was on her very first outing away from home with baby. At first, she was engaged in the conversation, then she got an awkward expression on her face. I asked how she was doing, and she said, with great embarrassment, “I think my baby had a poopy diaper that went all over her clothes, and all over mine…”  Three moms immediately said “Do you need to borrow some clothes?” The mom said “I’ve got extra clothes for the baby.” One mom said “we meant extra clothes for you! I’ve carried an extra pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt in my car ever since my baby first had a blowout diaper all over me!” This new mom got through an embarrassing moment, learned a helpful tip for new parents, and felt supported by a community of women.

• A couple said “we really miss going out on dates… when are we ever going to be able to go out again?” Many of the other couples had already been out to restaurants and movies with baby, or had short dates where they left baby with a sitter… they shared all their experiences, helpful tips for making it work, and creative ideas for fitting couple time in around baby’s needs.

• At every meeting, parents ask about the big issues: sleeping (or not sleeping), crying, and feeding. They share frustrations, little successes, and new ideas they have heard. They also ask the little detailed questions, like what type of diaper wipes others like best. They ask for referrals, for babysitters, childcare, baby-friendly restaurants, etc. And they look around the room and observe all the other babies, and all the other parents. They watch for developmental changes week to week, and see everyone increase in confidence as parents. They realize that all the little things they worry about are normal, and they also discover all the things that make their own babies special and unique.

• Many parents have made life-long connections and friendships in their new parent support groups. Sometimes a group will stay together for years’ worth of playgroups. Sometimes, parents may just make one or two strong friendships.

Finding a Parent Support Group that’s right for you.

If you’re in the Seattle area, you have a huge array of options available to you! Here’s a listing. (If you’re elsewhere, try checking at your birthplace, local hospitals, local parent-oriented newsletters, bulletin boards on places where families go, etc.)

Here are some differences between groups.

Closed / by registration groups vs. open / drop-in groups: Some groups are “closed” groups: you register in advance, and a group of parents are put together who will then stay together throughout the duration of the group. The hard part is remembering to register, the nice part is that you meet with the same predictable group of people each week, and can often form closer relationships. “Open” groups are drop-in groups, where people come and go as they choose. Nice thing is total flexibility and no commitments. However, each meeting may have different people at it, and the meetings may change in size, and in style, from week to week, depending on who comes. A good facilitator can help to smooth out the differences, and make sure every meeting goes well.

Professionally facilitated vs. volunteer-led vs. no leader. Some groups are led by professionals: some of the groups which focus specifically on the emotional journey of parenting (like Listening Mothers) are led by therapists, some of the drop-in groups (First Weeks, Great Starts) are led by nurses or lactation consultants who can help with specific health / feeding related questions. Many groups (like La Leche League, PEPS Newborn) are led by trained volunteers. Some groups have no formal leader.

Educational Group vs. Formal Support Group vs. Less Formal vs. Playgroup. Some groups are focused on education (e.g. parent education programs at the community college). Typically, the leader presents information on a planned topic, and asks for some input and some sharing. Some are formal, guided support groups (like Listening Mothers). PEPS follows a more informal, yet still structured model: giving all parents a turn to “check-in” about the highs and lows of their week, then has a social break, then the facilitator introduces a topic for discussion, where parents are encouraged to take the lead in discussion and mutual support, and the leader simply helps them stay on track. Any of these models can work well when you have a not-yet-mobile baby. Once babies start crawling and walking, many groups evolve into playgroups… where children wander about and play, and parents have the chance to talk to whichever adults they happen to be closest to!

Special populations. There are support groups available to meet a diverse array of specific needs: post-cesarean, adoptive parents, parents of special needs babies, single parents, Christian parents, parents of multiples, etc. Some families feel most comfortable in one of these groups, others prefer to join a mainstream group. In one PEPS group I led, I had a single mom, an adoptive mom, and a mother of twins. They each also participated in specialty groups.

In general, I find that whatever group a parent joins, they get the benefits of mutual support. Especially if they remember to focus on what they have in common with all of the other parents: everyone is living with sleeping challenges, feeding challenges, and questions about how to calm baby!

On occasion, I have talked to parents who started in a group, and found it just didn’t fit. For example, a simple-living, eco-friendly, attachment-parenting mom who found herself in a group of women with huge houses, huge SUV’s, and scheduled bottle-fed babies. She could still find common ground, and still get some support, but after a while, she chose to leave, and find a group which better matched her style. Years later, she is still involved with a couple of the women from the first group, and still actively attending playgroups with the second group.