Preparing An Older Sibling For The
Birth Of A New Baby
By
Tera Schreiber, Executive Director of Great Starts
Published in BabyMap, Spring/Summer 2005
The first time most people embark upon the journey
of parenthood, they don’t quite know what to
expect. While parents learn so much with their
first child, they probably have a hard time
imagining what life will be like with an additional
child. Remembering the changes that a first child
brought to their routines and lifestyles, they
wonder how a subsequent child will change things.
The first child has no idea what it’s like to add
another child to the household and can’t fathom the
disruption to his routine that a baby might bring.
So, for parents who decide to add to their family,
sibling preparation can offer huge benefits.
Preparing for Birth
Most hospitals and birth centers allow children to
be present for a birth of a sibling, with the
exception of a surgical birth or other emergency
situation. Even so, different families will make
different decisions about whether an older child
will be present for the birth of a sibling. Parents
must consider numerous factors, including the
parents’ comfort with having the older child there,
the older child’s age and temperament, the health
conditions and risk factors associated with the
pregnancy, and the support available to care for the
older child during labor and birth.
For a sibling who is present at the birth of a new
baby, there are some unique advantages. Being
present at the birth of another human being is an
amazing experience that can teach an older sibling
about life, biology and the miracle of birth. It
can help an older sibling feel connected to and
excited about the new baby, as well as make it very
clear that the baby “belongs” to the family. How
many times have you heard the story of the older
child who asks when the baby will go back to the
hospital, as though the parents are borrowing it for
a while? When an older sibling sees the birth, he
will know that the baby truly does belong with his
family.
Any sibling who is going to be present at the birth
of a younger sibling is going to need to have an
adult come along for support. A small child needs
supervision and caring from someone other than her
parents, who will both be busy attending to the
birth of the new baby. And older child needs
someone to talk to, play with or otherwise help
entertain him while he waits for the long process of
birth and immediate postpartum care. In addition,
if something unexpected occurs during the process,
it’s important for an adult to be able to help the
child understand and cope with the situation.
Preparing a sibling to be present at the birth of a
new baby includes preparing her for the sights,
sounds, and smells of labor and birth. While it
might be a little strange to talk with your child
about these things, it will certainly be more
strange for your child to learn them during the
birth than to be prepared for them ahead of time.
You may be surprised how easily small children
accept these concepts because they have not yet
learned any of the cultural taboos related to
birth. For example, my 2 year-old is fascinated by
birth videos and explains every time the details of
the process unfolding on the screen as she watches.
She actually uses the words, “uterus,” “umbilical
cord,” and “placenta.”
Parents can help prepare the older sibling with
birth videos, books geared toward children about
childbirth. These books and videos may also be
helpful for children who are not expected to be at a
birth. It can help the older child understand where
the new baby really comes from, appreciate the
physical limitations of mom postpartum and feel
involved in the birth even if he is not going to be
present.
For parents who chose, for whatever reason, to not
have the older sibling at the birth, there are still
plenty of things to do to help the older child learn
about birth and the new role as sibling.
Preparing for Baby
The arrival of a new baby can be a rude awakening
for an older sibling. Most children don’t
understand how boring a baby is for the first few
months, how much a baby can cry, how often a baby
will nurse, and how tired their parents can be
taking care of the new baby. An older sibling may
expect to play with the new baby like a doll or a
pet, or may expect the new baby to be a crawling,
cooing playmate within a few days of birth. The
first thing to do is help an older child understand
the reality of a new baby. For example, telling the
older child, “Babies don’t have words, so they cry
to communicate with us,” can help an older child be
more patient with what seems like the incessant
crying from a new baby.
Letting the older child know that the baby will need
to nurse, need diaper changes and need time to
sleep, which will all have an impact on the normal
routine, is important. It can help to look at the
older child’s baby pictures and show that he was
just as needy when he was a newborn, and to show
that eventually the baby grows into a fun kid like
himself.
There are classes available on sibling preparation,
both for birth and as preparation for being a big
brother or sister. You can take both types of
classes from my favorite organization (and my
employer), Great Starts Birth and Family Education (www.greatstarts.org).
Sibling preparation classes are also available at
Gracewinds Perinatal Services, Overlake Hospital,
Swedish, UW Medical Center and other hospitals in
the
Puget Sound region.
Preparing for Adjustments
Every older sibling is going to have adjustments
with the arrival of a new baby. In fact, everyone
in the house will have adjustments, both as they
relate to the new baby and as they relate to the
older sibling’s feelings about the new baby. As a
mom, I actually felt guilty that my older daughter
was not getting as much of my energy as she had
before. So, I made sure that she and I set aside
time for just the two of us every day for the first
few months. That special time between the two of us
was good for her and good for me. It helped her
feel still feel special to me and it helped me
remember how special she is.
Parents should expect regression in some areas. An
older child may suddenly become interested in his
crib again or be less interested in potty training.
A weaned toddler may ask to nurse again. It is
important not to come down too hard on the older
child for these regressions because a strong
reaction might actually make them last longer. An
older child who is seeking attention may find that
negative attention is more desirable than losing the
attention that is now being given to the baby.
An older child can also find the addition of a new
sibling exciting and fun. It’s an opportunity to
have a new role in the family of helper. An older
child may be very pleased to help with diaper
changes or bathing the baby. A new sibling presents
the opportunity for a new role in life, that of “Big
Brother” or “Big Sister”, which may make an older
child very proud. Parents can help capitalize on
these positive feelings. For example, making
T-Shirts that say, “I am the big sister” or “Anna’s
Baby Brother” can be both a fun thing for the kids
to do as well as a great way to help maintain the
focus on the positive aspects of having a new baby.
Other ideas include a “Big Brother Photo Album,”
which could include some labor and birth photos as
well as newborn photos and photos of the siblings
together. A disposable camera can allow an older
child to take photos at the birth or of the newborn
sibling, and can help keep that child busy and feel
a part of the experience when everyone is focused on
the new baby. Instead of sending out birth
announcements from the parents, maybe the older
sibling can be involved in choosing and sending out
the birth announcement. An announcement that says,
“Introducing Christopher’s New Baby Sister” can
nurture the older child’s pride at being a big
brother and help keep him as part of the focus of
the family’s excitement over the new baby.
Giving an older child activities to keep her busy
will also go a long way to making the whole family
more harmonious. An older sibling might enjoy a
baby of his own that he can diaper and carry in a
sling just like Mom and Dad (“wearing” the newborn
gives parents hands free to play with an older child
and keeps the younger one happy for longer periods
of time). You can buy kid sized slings or make your
own. An older sibling may also enjoy having a
special toy or activity that “only big kids can do”
while the new baby requires Mom’s attention for
nursing, diaper changes or just by crying and
needing to be settled.
Perhaps the most important thing parents who are
adding to their family need is postpartum support.
If family and friends are not available to take
considerable time to help out, consider a postpartum
doula. (Learn more and find referrals at
www.naps-doulas.org.) Since most people will
not need a lot of new baby clothes, toys or
equipment for a new baby, it is a great opportunity
to let friends and family know that the gift that
would be most appreciated is a contribution toward
the postpartum doula of your choice. Interview and
get someone lined up early so she can help you set
up a gift program to which friends and family can
contribute.
There is no way a parent of a second child will be
able to give both children equal attention and do
the same things for the new baby as were done with
the first baby. Nor will the older child receive
the same level of attention that she did before the
new baby came along. Rather than focus on what
their kids are not getting, it’s important for
parents to do their best to give their kids what
they can. Remember that one of your gifts to all of
your children is the sibling relationships they will
have with one another as well.
Tera Schreiber is the Executive Director at Great
Starts Birth & Family Education and the mother of
Big Sister Daisy and Little Sister Ginger.
For more ideas: Check
out information on Great Starts Sibling Preparation
classes
here.
Books To Help Prepare An Older Sibling For Birth:
